I grew up as a middle child and the only girl. I had two grandmothers who were Christians and praying women. They began praying for me the day I was born. My parents took us to church and I was about five years old the first time I remember hearing the story of Jesus. I believed that I was a sinner and that I couldn't save myself and I prayed a child's prayer to invite Jesus into my heart.
As I grew up, violence and abuse had taken over our home. My parents were not the abusers. For reasons even the best doctors have not been able to figure out, I had a brother with a short fuse, a violent temper and almost superhuman strength. I was beaten daily, often causing deep bruising and broken bones. By the time I was ten years old, my spirit was broken. I shut down emotionally and church was my only refuge. By then my parents were disillusioned with the church and stopped going. I loved church and would find a way to go, whether by bus ministry or walking to a nearby church. Every time I heard an invitation, though, I would go forward again to invite Jesus into my heart. I never really "felt" like a Christian. I passionately believed the Gospel, but I didn't feel any different. I didn't understand what it meant to be a Christian and there was nobody to teach me.
My teen years were awful. As my brother grew, he got stronger and I was getting hurt much worse. My parents tried everything to help. They were beside themselves to know what to do and everything they tried didn't work. My brother was even removed from our home in an attempt to protect me. I was depressed and descended into a fantasy world where there was no admittance. My parents were concerned about the amount of time that I spent by myself. I really don't know how I survived. The only thing I can tell you is that God was there.
My senior year in high school was one of many turning points in my life. I went to church on the weekends, and lived the fun life of a high school senior the rest of the week. I began to experience a lot of inner conflict because I knew that the things I did Monday through Saturday did not please God. I would sit in church by myself and cry because I was so confused. It all came to a boiling point about six weeks before I graduated. I decided that I had had enough. I asked to speak to my pastor and I said that I was either going to be a Christian seven days a week or not at all. It was then that I committed my entire life to Jesus Christ and made him my Lord.
The road since then has not been easy. There has been a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. But God put several gifted Christian counselors in my path who pointed me to forgiveness and hope. With a lot of tears, a lot of hard work and a lot of time spent allowing myself to feel all of the things I had stuffed inside for all those years, I began to understand that God wants more for us than just survival. He didn't say "I have come to help you survive." He said, "I came to give you abundant life." With God's help, I've not only been able to survive the horrors of child abuse, but I've been able to thrive. I am looking forward with great anticipation and joy at what lies ahead.
The best part of my story is that it's still being written. I don't know what God has for me in the future, but I know that He wants me to encourage people who've been through abuse. He wants me to tell them that God is there and He is in the business of healing hearts and repairing broken spirits.
My life is not without struggles that have to do with the past. There are consequences to people's actions. My body is breaking down and showing signs of the abuse I suffered. Each time I find out about some permanent damage to my body that was done by the abuse, I tell myself that it's not fair that I have to pay the price for someone else's mistakes. Then I realize that it sure wasn't fair that Jesus had to pay the price for mine. Knowing Jesus Christ and walking with Him has been the greatest adventure of my life and I wouldn't trade any of it. If you do not know Jesus personally or if you're only a weekend Christian, turn your entire life over to Him. Jesus has promised you abundant life. What are you waiting for?
I'm Cindy Hixson and that is my story.
